Swallowtail grew up in a conservative family, but luckily her form of teenage rebellion was to discover feminism (well, she also discovered having meaningless sex with lots of boys, but who hasn’t done that at one time or another eh?). In high school she made friends with the only person who didn’t make a hobby of calling her a slut – a strange boy named Tim Colt. As they grew up, she taught him feminist ideals, and he in turn passed on his newly-gained knowledge of ninjutsu in order to protect against dolphin attacks. Several years later, she joined Tim as co-anchor of his nightly news service, The Daily Propaganda. She uses her position as a journalist to help promote her activist work, advocating for environmental causes, equal rights, and various other leftie socialist issues. She is also a pagan (even though this isn’t 5th century Europe or whatever, seriously), and she has a cat named Damnagoras – who is actually a girl, but Swallowtail just really wanted to use that name.
Tim started life as a baby, and has been struggling to grow up ever since. He dropped out of high school to become a noir-era private eye, despite loathing the genre, and trained in the ninja arts under a series of videotapes advertised on late-night TV, purely out of the superficial Western belief that ninjas are “awesome”. Following a lengthy investigation which culminated in him sending the entire cast of 60 Minutes to jail for life on charges of treason, he was offered a job by panicked network execs in the extremely prestigious field of modern journalism, and it wasn’t long before he had built a top-rating news service in the form of The Daily Propaganda. This combination of detective-warrior-journalist places him in an ideal position to combat the ever-present threat of a dolphin invasion. In his spare time, he plays Pokémon games and listens to power metal, the greatest of all the metals.
Best known to you guys as Swallowtail’s suspiciously long-term sex buddy, but in the Comical Interlude world he is actually known as an unusually popular sexy weather reporter. Whether this is because people love satire, or just because they love naked manflesh, is up for debate (certainly though, it’s not because they love to hear about the frickin’ weather). Speaking of gratuitous nudity, I guess he has some sort of t-shirt allergy or something? I don’t know, it seems impolite to ask. Anyway, his interests include archaeology and woodworking. He is perhaps too serious at times and often butts heads with Tim as a result, though this tension is more a result of Tim’s childish jealousy over Swallowtail’s affections. Thankfully, they found some common ground with a shared love of Pokémon – much to Swallowtail’s chagrin, who like most normal people stopped playing those games after Red and Blue.
Extremely extroverted and unnervingly cheerful, Victoria is a colleague of Tim and Swallowtail’s at The Daily Propaganda news p(r)ogram(me), specialising in finance reporting. She is currently living in Swallowtail’s attic (much nicer than it sounds), after losing her previous home in a game of chance, and she has a dog named Sir Dog, who is not only a loyal companion but also the ultimate fashion accessory. Interestingly, her attitude towards sex is basically the same as Swallowtail’s was back in high school: as often as possible, regardless of who with. This often leads to Swallowtail feeling rather threatened, and thus tension ensues blah blah blah where are the jokes already. The rest of the time, though, they have become fast friends.
Holter’ya is a satire of society’s current perception of homosexuality – that is, he is depraved, disgusting, and an absolute crime against nature. He enjoys bestiality and will corrupt your children simply by looking at them. He’s so different and bizarre, it’s almost like he’s from another planet or something. He is. Planet ‘Ya, in fact. He was sent to Earth on a recon mission, along with his boyfriend and superior officer Magnus’ya, in order to gather intel on Earth’s defences in preparation for a full-scale ‘Ya invasion. To this end, they both learned English so that they could seamlessly blend into human society, and can often be found snooping around highly sensitive military sites, taking notes. What they have seen thus far hasn’t exactly impressed them (the words “hilariously inadequate” may have been used in a preliminary report).
He is Holter’ya’s long-suffering boyfriend. An ex-member of the NYPD’ya, he joined the Royal’ya ‘Ya Navy’ya on Holter’ya’s advice, and within three weeks he already outranked his green-skinned counterpart (perhaps more a reflection of Holter’ya’s ineptitude than any special proficiency on his part). He volunteered himself and Holter’ya for the mission to Earth, correctly assuming it to be an easy one which would leave them with plenty of free time to enjoy the natural beauty of the planet before they blew it up. He is actually a pretty nice guy, which is odd for someone who is dating a clear sociopath and who voluntarily joined a genocidal war machine. Then again, one look at that moustache probably tells you all you need to know about that.
Swallowtail’s younger cousin who lives up the coast a bit or something (it’s not really clear). She watches Swallowtail’s TV shows a lot and idolises her older cousin somewhat, especially as Swallowtail’s feminist proselytising provides a welcome relief to the rather less tolerant atmosphere she has to deal with at home. Things become even more complicated when she realises she is gay, and so she decides to visit Swallowtail for some advice, but perhaps the true journey she embarks upon will be one of… self-discovery??? IDK we’re not up to that storyline yet
One day this guy showed up and said he was Jesus and that everyone should follow his example in order to improve their lives. Lots of people seemed to accept this premise unquestioningly but then there were also other people who were like, wtf who even is this guy??? Maybe one day we will learn the tedious truth.
The self-proclaimed dolphin overlord. He is leading the fight against humanity, following the death of his father, Twatface Burgerfucker, who was rather anti-climactically eaten by an ogre. Tim stabbed him with a harpoon in an earlier encounter, and Angakorus now carries it with him permanently, protruding from his left flank next to his dorsal fin. It could easily be removed, of course, but he prefers to keep it as a reminder, and a hat rack. Speaking of which, he has terrible taste in hats.
Who is this mysterious woman? Where is she from? What is the point of hinting at her existence without providing any further information? These are the questions.
The Pelican Lord
Little is known about this mysterious beast – in fact her existence is still doubted by many scientists. Swallowtail describes her as some sort of spirit of nature, in a concept suspiciously similar to several other demi-gods in popular works of fiction. The most pressing question is, is the Pelican Lord literally real, or just a metaphor? Or perhaps a metaphor brought to life through a misunderstanding of quantum physics? Most people feel too insulted by the ridiculousness of these questions to bother pursuing them, and so the mystery remains.
Link (from the Zelda series)
Swallowtail’s sexy neighbour (with benefits). He is good at solving puzzles, harassing chickens, finding bizarrely elaborate ways to vanquish evil, and threesomes.